


Drowning in my thoughts

by FlowerWishes



Category: WTFock | Skam (Belgium)
Genre: M/M, POV Sander Driesen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-06
Updated: 2020-08-06
Packaged: 2021-03-06 01:46:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25745329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlowerWishes/pseuds/FlowerWishes
Summary: A look into Sander's mind before he meets Robbe.
Relationships: Sander Driesen/Robbe IJzermans
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	Drowning in my thoughts

_Why?_

_Why me?_

_What did I do to deserve this?_

_Why am I so broken? Why can't I be fixed?_

_Why is this pain and suffering mine to bare?_

These are some of the questions that adventure through Sander's head on the daily.

Everyday he wakes up in fear of the shadow that follows him.

_Will it catch me?_

_Will it engulf me?_

_Will it swallow me into its darkness and never relinquish its hold on me?_

He's scared that a day will come when he falls beneath its veil and he won't ever be able to untangle himself from under it. He'll be stuck in a state of perpetual sadness. He feels like he's a weak person, he's too weak to fight it off, trust him, he's tried. It's a useless battle that he's lost far too many times and any semblance of strength that may have existed before, has dissipated into nothingness, never to be retrieved. He's relinquished his control to it and he's accepted that fact at this point. Sometimes it's better to accept defeat and suffer the consequences that come along with it. Sander feels like he's drowning, struggling to bring his head up for air, something constantly pulling him beneath the waves, farther and farther down into the depths of the ocean. He knows that there may come a time that it will cease giving him the chance to catch his breath and it will cover him in its cloak of darkness once and for all and he'll be stuck in a state of depression for the rest of time.

Sander invites the happiness and the light to join him, to relish in the sun's rays with him, to experience the bright thoughts with him. He never gets too comfortable because he knows that the light is fleeting and every match burns out eventually. Every sunrise is met with a sunset but the length of his night is never predetermined. The happiness warms him and he hears people tell him how he's his old self again and that hurts him because it makes Sander feel like he's a thief, he's stolen something away from those around him. They miss how he used to be and he can't always be that happy, energetic person. He wants to be, he so desperately wants to be but it's not that easy. It's a constant battle that he's losing.

He has a psychiatrist that he talks to on the regular and it gives him some hope for the future, some hope to overcome the darkness or at the very least fight it back to any extent. However, hope is a dangerous thing. He's been told that he's brave and strong for trying to get better by going to therapy and he tries to believe that but inside, the war feels like it's been fought, has been lost and he's the only casualty doomed to suffer forever.

Sander cries, all the time, on the daily, about everything and nothing. His tears and him have become quite acquainted and although they signal distress, they give him some odd form of comfort with their familiarity. Better the devil you know than the devil you don't, he supposes. The tears feel cleansing sometimes, like they're washing away the sadness and leaving a fresh slate behind. He usually feels better after he's cried but eventually, the slate gets dirty again and the sadness comes back and the tears return to start the cycle over once more.

Sander feels lonely a lot of the time even when he has people to talk to. You don't have to be alone to feel lonely. He feels like there is an emptiness in his heart and in his life that has yet to be filled and he's just waiting for something or someone to fill that void. Perhaps it's because he's never felt loved by someone romantically, maybe that's the reason that he feels like he's not worthy of love, not deserving of it, not enough for it. His thoughts fill with even more questions.

_Will I ever find someone who loves me, all of me, every single broken piece of me that I carry around?_

_Do I even merit to find someone like that?_

Maybe and maybe not but right now, there's a cavity in his heart that might one day be filled with the love for someone who loves him right back.

Maybe...

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> I poured my heart out for this one so I hope you enjoyed reading it
> 
> tumblr: flowerwishes1


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